The People Pleaser 2.0

Written on February 4, 2008 – 8:06 pm | by Shana Albert |

Photo by *sean

The People Pleaser 2.0

We have all come across a People Pleaser at one point or another. People Pleasers love making people happy. They seem to become happier themselves by making others happy. They are super nice…. almost too nice, some might say.

If you have ever have been a People Pleaser yourself your life isn’t as happy as it might appear to others. You appear happy on the outside, but on the inside you are extremely unhappy. In order to not feel the pain you are feeling inside you go above and beyond making others happy and ignoring the pain you are having inside. The People Pleaser is usually over worked and under appreciated. The People Pleaser will rarely speak up if they are feeling unappreciated. As a matter of fact, they will continue helping others and saying "yes" to things they shouldn’t just to make others happy. What you might not be aware of is that the People Pleaser is probably very bitter on the inside. They want to say "No" (and they should say "No"), but they want so badly to be accepted and liked that they rarely, if ever, say "No". Usually to the detriment of her/himself.

Being a People Pleaser in the real World is extremely difficult. But, what do you think it is like to be a People Pleaser in the virtual World… where online community is so prevalent? For the rest of this post I’m going to call the People Pleasers on the internet People Pleasers 2.0.

The Pattern below is associated with the People Pleaser, by Jay Earley, PhD

I try to be who someone wants me to be.
I am afraid to rock the boat.
It is hard for me to know what I want.
I avoid speaking my mind.
I find it easier to go along with what someone wants or with their opinion.
I fantasize about a strong person taking over my life and making it work.
It is hard for me to express my feelings when they are different from someone I’m close to.
It is difficult for me to say No.
I avoid getting angry.
It is hard for me to take initiative.
I try to be nice rather than expressing how I really feel.
I want everyone to get along.

What happens when these people are involved with Social Media? What is it like for the People Pleaser 2.0?

Anyone who has spent anytime reading this blog knows that I am extremely involved in Social Media. But, what you might not know about me already is that 10+ years ago I had some major People Pleaser issues. I did all I could to make everyone around me happy only to find that I was extremely unhappy and unfulfilled. Over the years, and much therapy later… I have greatly improved. But, I do have to admit that with the addition of Social Media activities in my daily life that at some points over the past few months I have felt those past issues and insecurities creep back a bit. I can sense when these feelings kick in and for the most part can overcome the feelings associated with the people pleaser. But, If I am feeling this way I wonder if there are others feeling this way as well. Others who might not realize that there are tactics to overcome these feelings.

Below, I have put together what I believe are the symptoms of being a People Pleaser 2.0. These are not medical symptoms, but these are what I believe, through my own experience, what being a People Pleaser in Web 2.0 would be like.

People Pleaser 2.0 Symptoms:

Voting up on all requests from Friends, but you never ask for the favor to be returned.
Going through Friend’s submits on Social News Voting sites and voting all up without even reading the posts first.
Before naturally voting something up looking to see who else voted it up first. Not having enough faith in your own opinions to vote anything up before noticing if others agree too.
These people never want to rock the boat in the social communities. So, they tend to keep all of their opinions to themselves until they begin to hear other opinions. They tend to side with other people’s opinions.
People Pleasers tend to be frightened every time they publish a post. They are afraid of other people’s thoughts on their posts because a People Pleaser bases their feelings on how others feel.
Comments on their blog is enough to make or break them. They feel elated and happy when their posts receive good comments, but these people are coming undone on the inside with each of the negative comments.

Learning how to say "No" to others and trusting your own opinions enough to state them is so important to being happy. I am learning that myself.

Social Media is wonderful!! I love it, but I also know that with dealing with people brings the pressures of making some happy and disappointing others. It’s impossible to make everyone happy and if you are worried about making everyone happy, who is making you happy?

More on overcoming being a People Pleaser and feeling confident enough to say, "No".

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser - wikiHow gives you steps and tips on how to stop being a people pleaser.

The People Pleaser Pattern - Jay Earley, PhD highlights the People Pleaser Pattern, sometimes known as compliance.

"People Pleasers" Pay a High Price - Vijai P. Sharma, Ph.D writes why people pleasers pay a high price.

3 Reasons To Stop Being A People Pleaser - Journal-a-Day gives the readers 3 reasons that you being a People Pleaser must end!!

Being Nice Can Be Hazardous to Your Health - Can being a People Pleaser actually be making you sick? Yes, it can.

How To Stand Up For Yourself - Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen shows you How to Practice Being Assertive.

How to Know the Right Thing to Do - srichinmoybio.co.uk shows you how to do the right thing for you (not for others).

5 Ways to Develop Independent Thought - Tom O’Leary at PickTheBrain writes a post on how to think independently.

How to Say No

8 Essential Strategies to Saying “No” - Leo Babauta offers a few practical strategies For those who have trouble saying “no".

The Gentle Art of Saying No - Here are the Top 10 tips LifeHack.org writes about for learning the Gentle Art of Saying No.

How to Say No and Stay Friends - Marco Adragna shows you how you can say no to a friend without losing the friendship.

4 Quick, Easy Ways to Say No to People Who Take You for Granted - Jake Sim offers these 4 great ways to stand up for yourself and say No.

How to say NO and have people respect you for it - Say No and get the genuine and lasting result you need to put in authentic effort and respect.

The Art of No - Powazek explains the art of saying, "No" for a Graphic Designer’s perspective.

4 Tips for Saying No: Take Control of Your Time - Here are some tips that can help to bring some clarity and lighten up your mental ‘load’ when you want to say no. ThinkSimpleNow.com

How to say "no" without feeling badly - Dawna Sinclair shares with us how she got over feeling badly when she had to say "No".

Stop being a People Pleaser - passou pela mente offers some steps on how to stop being a people pleaser.

7 steps to start saying ‘No’ - The Birmingham News offers a very precise 7 step process to saying "No".

How to Say No Respectfully - wikiHow gives you steps and tips to saying "No" respectfully.

Say No But Say It With Finesse - Can you say no to your boss, neighbor, child, friend or coworker? If not you are not alone. Vannie Ryanes shows you how to say, "No" with style.

Saying No at Work

The time I learned to say “No” at work - ChiefHappinessOfficer shows you that if you can’t say "No" at work then your "Yes" is meaningless.

How to say no to extra work without feeling guilty - Mitch McCrimmon posts some practical tips for saying no on the job.

Getting to No - Hannah Clark writes this excellent post on learning to say no you need to start by identifying why you always say yes.

How to say ‘no’ to overtime - MothersWhoWork writes this terrific post directed towards mothers. She points out ways to say "No" to overtime.

When to Say No to Work - Geoff Williams shows you how to turn down projects.

Say no to free work! - CreativeBits explains that even if someone is a friend…. say "No" for working for free.

Saying NO to Good Opportunities! - Kimberly Stevens writes how you need to learn to say "no" to good opportunities, so you could say "yes" to the great ones.

Saying No in Business - Clients / Customers

Freelance Writers: How to Say No to Clients - The People’s Media Company shows you how to now allow yourself to become overwhelmed by clients or projects.

Increasing Your Marketing Agency’s Revenues by Saying "No" to Clients - Andy Beal shows you why saying “no” to a client is often good for business.

How to Say "No" to a Customer or Client - Kori Rodley Irons offers some little tidbits on saying "No to customers or clients.

When Is It OK To Say No to a Customer? - Silvana Buljan offers suggestions as to how to know when it is OK to say No to a customer.

How to Say No to Clients You Want to Keep - Finding creative ways to saying "No" to a client means that you can say "No" and keep the client as well.

Technorati Tags:web 2.0, social media, social networking, social bookmarking, self improvement, saying no, people pleaser

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19 Responses to “The People Pleaser 2.0”
By Jason Rakowski on Feb 4, 2008 | Reply

I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you.

Jason Rakowski
By JennOsborne on Feb 4, 2008 | Reply

Shana, I really enjoyed this piece! I think a lot of people find themselves in the position of wanting to please even more so in social media than would normally in regular life. The list of how to say ‘no’ references was a great way to close this off.
By Paula on Feb 4, 2008 | Reply

I just wanted to say thank you for this post. I know someone who will greatly benefit from it.
By Fat Kid Unleashed on Feb 4, 2008 | Reply

This is an amazing post, Shana and addresses a really big issue. I find myself sometimes voting up people’s stories on SU and Digg simply because they ask. I wouldn’t call myself a people pleaser because I don’t conform to what other people want me to be. It is nice to give back every once and a while though
By Mark Dykeman on Feb 4, 2008 | Reply

Killer resource.
By Kristen on Feb 4, 2008 | Reply

Wow, that is incredible. Thank you for being so transparent with your self. I too struggle with being a people pleaser. I am getting better but tend to just want people to like me, via positive feedback (ebay) and comments(blogging). I am definitely going to look into some of these resources you have listed to become more firm and yet productive at the same time.
Thank you Shana!
By Marty on Feb 4, 2008 | Reply

ummm…I really like you and umm….I vote for all your stuff, especially if I’m not ummm…FIRST to vote…&….ummm…I sort of have a little blog….ummm…not cool like yours but…ummm…don’t worry about little ol’ me…& ummm…don’t be upset with me & ummmm…this is so scary to comment in public & ummmm…I’ll just go away now…& don’t worry about little ol’ me & ummmm…nice ummmm…post….say yer’ pretty cool…umm…ok…bye 4 now….
By Tejvan on Feb 5, 2008 | Reply

Great collection of articles on an interesting theme. It is something I have subconsciously been at some time.
By Ann Smarty on Feb 5, 2008 | Reply

Ok, I couldn’t help thumbing you up AGAIN… Am I hopeless?
By Shana Albert on Feb 5, 2008 | Reply

@Jason Rakowski - That’s wonderful. Thank you.

@JennOsborne - Thank you, Jenn. I agree with you. I believe that there is a ton more pressure online than in reality when it comes to people pleasing…. maybe because of the line of work we are in.

@Paula - Thank you, Paula.

@Fat Kid Unleashed - Thank you so much for leaving your comment and letting me know how much you enjoyed my post. I don’t think a person is a people pleaser if they do one or two items on the above list of symptoms. A people pleaser will know if that’s what they are when reading this piece. Trust me when I say that…. you just know.

@Mark Dykeman - Thanks, Mark.

@Kristen - You are most welcome, Kristen. The resources I listed are amazing and I’m sure you will find a couple articles that you will find useful.

@Marty - You are such a Goofball!!

@Tejvan - Thank you so much. I’m glad you enjoyed the post.

@Ann Smarty - Thanks, Ann. As long as it’s your thumb and not another finger you are putting up at me…. I can appreciate it. Thanks for your support.
By Jason on Feb 6, 2008 | Reply

Great article and links! I’m a recovering people pleaser so if any of you don’t like this post… well too bad!
By Mark on Feb 6, 2008 | Reply

Hi Shana - This is a great post, especially since I am in the “people pleasing” business.

Also, just a thought, but this could lead into a very good article/post on Social Media Personality Types.
By Sean on Feb 6, 2008 | Reply

I have limited experience in Social Media(and pleasing people :)), but Social Media seems to be innately problematic to people pleasers. At the heart of Social Media is communication and where communication lurks, so too does the opportunity to reject or please many people.
By Charlene on Feb 9, 2008 | Reply

great post, Shana. I was thinking about this very topic lately. I was wondering if I’m a people pleaser, or just someone who can be swayed by a good argument. There have been times I thought i was SO SOLID in my opinion, but then someone comes along with a very eloquent counter-position and suddenly I’m like, “oh yeah I can see that too.” Does that make me open minded or waffly?
By pat on Feb 12, 2008 | Reply

Dammit Shana, don’t write shit all personal that I like, it fucks me up. Screw people.

People suck huge.

I think a great way to overcome being a “people pleaser” is to be a “Pat pleaser”.
But you already are that, so I guess you know.
By Donald B. Dousharm on Feb 12, 2008 | Reply

I find your post very interesting from a standpoint that I, myself am very opinionated and sometimes I come on strong to others without realizing that I could be damaging them. Your honesty is quite humbling. My wife tells me I have no gray areas, only black & white. After reading your post, I don’t know if that’s such a good thing anymore.

Thank you for such a good read.
By Shana Albert on Feb 13, 2008 | Reply

@Jason - Thanks, Jason. I’m glad you enjoyed the post.

@Mark - It is true…. This business some of us are in are a People Pleasing Business. This in itself makes it extra difficult for the People Pleaser. Thanks for pointing that out.

@Sean - So true, so true. It’s a difficult thing.

@Charlene - Hey Charlene…. so good to see you here. I am totally like that… I consider it open minded and this is totally different from being a people pleaser. There are many times that I feel strongly about a given topic, but once I read a great post that was driven behind an excellent point leaves me to say to myself, “I see his/her point. That makes sense too.” But, that doesn’t mean that you are being waffly at all. But, instead you are open minded enough to see his point from a different perspective.

@Pat - Didn’t mean to mess with ya, Pat. This has been something that has been on my mind for a long time and I wanted to write about it. I was a total people pleaser in the past and have had to cut people out of my “real” life because I was being taken for granted. I think that Social Media has the potential for creating problems for the People Pleaser as I can sense that if I don’t watch I could have major problem with it myself. You’re right… some people do suck. Where ever there are wonderful and honest people there will always be at least one person not being genuine.

@Donald B. Dousharm - I’m glad you enjoyed the post and that you took the time to leave me your comment. It thrills me to hear that my post made you open up your mind a bit and that you will try and see more gray areas. We all have our own opinions, but sometimes it is tough to see things from a different perspective. You don’t have to agree, but having the patience to see things from other perspectives is great for you and the other person. You could always agree to disagree, but at least you took the time to see things from the other side.
By Grateful Gab on Apr 11, 2008 | Reply

[...]Shana retaught me how to say no![...]