Is Texting & Social Media Platforms causing teens to lack in Interpersonal Communicative Skills?

Are teens today lacking in Interpersonal and Communicative Skills?

Written on May 2, 2008 – 11:05 am | by Shana Albert |

Image by BdwayDiva1

Are Texting & Social Media Platforms causing teens to lack in Interpersonal Communicative Skills?

I received a text from my oldest son last week that was very disturbing. He was obviously too freaked out to discuss the topic with me face-to-face and instead chose to tell me this uncomfortable piece of information via text messaging. I feel I’m a very "with it" mom when it comes to these things. Especially since being involved in Social Media is pretty much what I specialize in. But, after this particular text I was left wondering….

“Are teens today lacking in Interpersonal and Communicative Skills?”

Generations have been dealing with the change in Technology for Decades…

Rock-n-Roll
Television
Record Players
VCR’s
Telephones
Computer’s
Internet
eMail
Cell phones
Web 2.0
etc…

I’m sure it hasn’t been easy for any generation to make the transition and today’s generation is no exception. I use text myself, but I don’t use it to replace normal everyday conversation, but it appears that many of our teens do. Many of my friends and colleagues I spend time with online have children and I’m very curious of their thoughts on this…

Is Mobile Technology and Social Media taking away what our Children should be learning during face-to-face Communication?

When I was a teen growing up I was forced to discuss things with my parents face-to-face….. even the uncomfortable discussions. And, through each of these discussions, as difficult as they were, they each were a learning experience. Could Instant Messaging and Text be robbing our children from learning some social skills?

Teens are breaking up with boyfriends and girlfriends over text…. and this is completely normal. These uncomfortable discussions that all of us hated to have were all a learning experience for me. Mostly, I learned tact and empathy. Are our children growing up more selfish & cold because they can avoid these conversations entirely?

I was never an overly brave teen. I didn’t have as much confidence in myself as others and this made confrontation much more difficult for me. If I had social media platforms and mobile devices available to me back then I’m positive I would have been using them instead of how I had to deal with things.

Maybe I wouldn’t have succumb to peer pressure. Maybe I would have been braver in what I told my peers…. in saying, "No!!". Or, maybe I would have dealt with confrontation in ways that maybe teens are dealing with it now… "text and Instant Messaging".

This might not sound like a major issue, but after the text from my oldest son I’m not so sure about that.

I believe that many of the uncomfortable situations and confrontations I dealt with growing up taught me many things and made me into the person I am now. Who knows…. maybe I’m reading too much into this. But, I really don’t think so.

Teen Crushes

As I mentioned earlier I lacked a certain amount of confidence growing up, so certain things were especially difficult for me. For example, telling a boy I liked him. I remember having crushes growing up and the boy never knew. By the time I was in Junior High I was still extremely nervous to tell a boy I liked him, but I would try very hard to push through the fear. Making a point to talk to him, pausing by his locker, dropping something nearby to see if he would pick it up, and dialing the phone to call him. I say dialing the phone because unless one of my friends was calling for me I don’t think I ever stayed on the phone long enough to talk to the boy. Most of the time I would dial the phone number and once someone answered I would hand up. Thank Goodness this was before *69…. otherwise, I would have been busted for sure.

How would Texting & Social Media changed this process? Well, I wouldn’t have had to be brave and start a discussion… Simple texts are so much easier than real words. I would no long have to worry about blushing in front of a boy. He wouldn’t even have to know how nervous I was. There is no way via text he could hear my shaky voice, see my knees tap together from nerves or see me blush from fear. This fact would have given me the confidence to flirt via text.

What learning experience would I have missed out on? Over the years of pushing through my fear of talking to guys I built confidence. I learned what worked for me and what didn’t work for me. I realized that guys thought I was sweet when I blushed. Actually, over the years I wasn’t nervous to talk to most guys at all. My confidence increased enough that I could easily talk to a guy. Would teen develop this confidence if they were doing all interaction between themselves and guys via digital methods?

Breaking up with a guy

Okay, if telling a guy I liked him wasn’t bad enough….. breaking up with him was so much worse!! I hated making someone unhappy or feel bad about themselves. I am still horrible at that, but disappointment is a fact of life and dealing with it is part of it. Break ups can be some of the most difficult conversations to have, but to move to the next relationship… break-ups must be done.

Many of my friends were broken up with by notes in school. I was mortified by this and fortunate enough that this never happened to me. However, in High School I was in the middle of a long distance relationship, so all of our communication was via phone and "snail mail". We would see each other only on weekends.

How would a Break-up have been different if I had text or Social Media Platforms?

What makes a break-up so difficult is the confrontation. It’s usually not an easy conversation because many times the other person feels a bit under attack or defensive. Texting a break-up (which let me just state…. is cowardly and never okay in my book) erases any face-to-face contact. No confrontation. As a matter of fact you don’t have to answer any further calls or texts. This is an easy way out. There is something to be said about "closure", people!! How the heck do you get closure from a text or instant message? Unless, of course, the entire relationship was done via text or Instant Message then a break up should NOT be done in this fashion. I couldn’t imagine sending a text like….

"Have I told you just now how much I’m in love with U???
No??
Chew on it, have a nice life… "

Check out these other "Break-up Texts" . They are unreal!!

But, texts like the one above are being sent to innocent (or not so innocent) boys and girls everyday.

What I have learned from having to break up in a face-to-face way…

Break-ups hurt
Break-ups are an end to something that you might not be ready for
tact
empathy
sensitivity

Dealing with Friends and Social Life in High School

I know that Social Life in High School means a lot to teens. It meant a lot to me and still means a lot to kids. But, I also know that the peer pressure and saying, "No" can be a sticky situation. I would never want to go back and do high school over again due to the peer pressure I experienced. I dealt with the peer pressure the face-to-face way, but how are the kids dealing with it now-a-days?

Teens are using Social Media Platforms to deal with Peer Pressure.

They use text and instant messaging to say what’s on their minds. It not as confrontational. Sounds less threatening, right? Nope!! To get revenge these teens sometimes are using malicious ways to deal with their anger such as YouTube videos, MySpace & Facebook public messages, non-private instant messaging and other embarrassing ways. My thoughts are that because of the convenience of social media ways of dealing that these same platforms are giving teens a convenient & easy way to get revenge. This is making Peer Pressure tons worse than it was when I was growing up.

What I have learned from dealing with Peer pressure face-to-face?

knowing you have to deal with them face-to-face makes you be choosy who is your friend
Over time I realized what/who makes me happy
I don’t always have to say, "Yes" to everything
Could shut down the peer voices after school…. with text, Instant Messaging & other Social Media platforms this is much more difficult.

I’m wondering if the lack of closure causes a teen’s need for revenge? Could it be that communicating verbally face-to-face with someone forces closure? Maybe with text and instant message there is no "end".

Telling Parents Bad News

I would like to think that conversations with parents hasn’t changed much since I was growing up. But, even I know that’s not the case. I already admitted that my son text me a message that he should have talked to me about in person. Why did he do this? Because he felt it would be easier. Was it? Well, probably. Temporarily anyway. And, probably by the time he approached me in person I calmed down quite a bit. Did he learn as much from the whole experience…. I’m not so sure.

And, I have some fond memories of when I was growing up of conversations with my mother. I also have some memories of scary conversations with my mom. But, bottom line…. they were face-to-face conversations. They were banter back and forth that I believe made a difference in my life. Not only did I learn something from it, but I also bonded with my mom. And, there is one other thing that it left me with… something I can smile at later. Embarrassing situations that I can smile at because I survived. Something I can laugh at by myself or conversing with my sister.

I look back on those moments with my mom fondly…. now. However, had I had the opportunity to get out of a sticky situation in an easier fashion I totally would have.

Which brings to me back to the question, " Are teens today lacking interpersonal communicative skills?"

What do teens have a fear of??

Confrontation
Rejection
Disappointment
Failure
Embarrassment

What are they missing out learning??

tact
sensitivity
empathy
respect
anger management
communication skills

I asked the following question to my friends on Twitter, "What would have been different 4 you had you had text & IM as teen? How would Break-ups, dating, peer pressure been different?" This were some of the answer I received: Click on the image to see in full size & with Profile Links

What are your thoughts? Are teens today lacking interpersonal communicative skills?

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23 Responses to “Are teens today lacking in Interpersonal and Communicative Skills?”
By Wendy Piersall on May 2, 2008 | Reply

My daughter will have a friend over for a sleepover and they will spend the evening on IM with their friends - and then when their friends are asleep, they will IM each other.

I know they can’t do this in school and spend a ton of time together - but I give her a hard time about it, too. It seems really odd to me to IM with a friend in the same house!

At the same time, I’m so used to communicating via the internet, that when I get out of the house, I am starved for great conversation. Perhaps it’s the exact opposite with her!
By Shana Albert on May 2, 2008 | Reply

@Wendy - very true. I wonder too if it is the novelty of it or the fact that “everbody is doing it” that makes them want to do it more. I remember as a teen being on the phone with friends for hours and my mom complaining about it. I’m sure it will be something else when our daughters have grown and they are giving their children a hard time about some new tech item.

Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment, Wendy.
By Google Tutor on May 2, 2008 | Reply

I couldn’t help but wonder if it might help children talk about things more openly?

Some children will avoid discussing freaky situations with parents entirely (friends too) if it has to be face to face, I know I did many times, but now they have many new ways to do so that are a lot less stressful.
By Shana Albert on May 2, 2008 | Reply

@Google Tutor - Absolutely. That is what I was kind of getting at… Even though a conversation can be difficult it is still a learning experience. Plus, without a discussion there is no closure… it is simply one sided. I think this is why some teens seek revenge…. they are in desperate need of closure.

Thanks for stopping by.
By Paula Hawk on May 2, 2008 | Reply

This is where just being a part time step mom has made me not see the point of the question.

I could not imagine learning something of importance from a child through a text or even instant message.

I do think it might have been easier to get out of doing some things, to just say no via text must be easier than face to face or even over the phone!

But I also think that it is just as important for parents today to make children turn off the ‘noise’ for a bit, just as our parents would make us get off the phone after hours of gossiping!

And, I just had to admit that I, too, was thankful that *69 was not around when I would call that certain boy’s house!
By Todd Mintz on May 2, 2008 | Reply

Better a text message than putting it on a MySpace page for all to see…
By Kristen on May 2, 2008 | Reply

Wow! Shana, what a thought provoking post. I don’t even know where to begin. I have two teenage boys that text constantly. In fact, I have texted them at school only to receive messages on my phone from the teacher telling me my oldest got his phone taken away for texting. Hahahaha.
Anyway, I think there are good and bad things about the age of communication we live in. Sure, if kids use texting and IM to “avoid” confrontation then it is not good, but if kids are using text to open doors of communication when it may not otherwise be possible (like emergencies) then it is a good thing.
The fact that your son texted you some bad news is in a way, good because he still communicated the information to you as opposed to not telling you at all which I think is the biggest challenge now a days with teens….getting them to talk to parents at all.
The fact that you expected more from him (and you rightly should) when it comes to communication, is well….typical of parenting a teen.
Here is an example:
My oldest son and I are friends on Facebook. I noticed the other day that he had updated with a comment on someone’s picture and that comment had a swear word in it (a really bad one).
I was not happy and decided to send him a note through Facebook (privately) that explained if I see him using that kind of language again, his account would be shut down. I sent a Bible verse too.
Now, that may not be the best form of communication between my son and I but for all intense purposes, he got the message. Certainly there are plenty of times where we sit down and have a heart to heart but sometimes I think parents should participate in their kids’ style of living if not to just to keep ourselves educated but to let them know that we are there for them no matter how they communicate with us.
I would have loved to have all the ways of communication we have now back when I was a kid. My grades would have been much worse, but my social life would have been thriving.
By Shana Albert on May 2, 2008 | Reply

@Paula Hawk - Excellent point, Paula. Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving a comment.

@Todd Mintz - For sure.

@Kristen - Thank you so much. I’m thrilled you enjoyed the post. Excellent points, by the way. You know, I have no problems with my children using these platforms either. After all, I use them as well. It all comes back to keeping the lines of communication open. Especially between parents and children. But, I would also love to see friends “back to basics” as well.
By Steven Bradley on May 2, 2008 | Reply

Interesting post and thoughts Shana. I suspect this is more a generation gap thing than anything else. You and I didn’t grow up being able to send text messages to our parents, but our parents didn’t necessarily have all the tools we had when talking to their parents.

Thinking about your son and remembering myself as a teen I probably wouldn’t have sat down to talk to my mom and dad at all. Sending the text message might be making that first contact a little easier leading to the more difficult talk.

I think in the end the tools with which we communicate might change, but the underlying issues of communication are still the same.
By Zoobie Joy on May 2, 2008 | Reply

Here in the Philippines, texting has been very rampant especially for the younger generations..I have to agree on this article that texting indeed has a negative effect on teens’ social interaction skills
By James Duthie on May 3, 2008 | Reply

I tend to agree with Steven that’s it’s a generation gap more than anything else. Communications tools evolve and so do the norms of our communication habits as a result. It probably wasn’t that long ago that it was considered the poorest of taste to break up via telephone conversation… Would anyone think twice about it today?

You may indeed be right about the erosion of face-to-face skills, but humans will always take the easier option is one is available.
By Jonathon on May 4, 2008 | Reply

One large problem that faces the SMS gen is that IMs, emails, and even SMS can be saved, presented, and used against each other. I’ve witnessed fellow students being expelled for saying some nasty things in an SMS that in a normal face-to-face, breakup conversation would certainly be hurtful, but would have a much smaller chance of being said in the first place, and somehow being used against the “sayer.”
Teenage drama becomes immortalized and thus more dramatic when it is typed into a device and immediately becomes forwardable and documentable.
By Marta on May 5, 2008 | Reply

@Shana and Wendy: I totally agree…I work in Technology but it still amazes me how much time kids use on the internet and instant messaging nowadays. They are truly starting to build different realities for themselves an different platforms for discussion.
I hope you don’t mind, I came across this site on mobile internet behaviour which could be interesting maybe to understand a part of what kids do when browsing through the mobile: http://www.cellsurfing2008.com
By Lorm on May 7, 2008 | Reply

Ever tried bracking up a relationship via SMS or E-Mail? It never spares you a face2face discussion, never ever.
By Mario Sanchez on May 8, 2008 | Reply

Shana:

I believe that what is happening with kids and social media/electronic games/IM today is not only technology’s fault but also a cultural failure.

As a society, we don’t stand for anything anymore. Political correctness has erased the boundary between right and wrong, and our instant gratification culture has turned our kids into expert consumers before they can become expert producers.

By the same token, kids are becoming experts users of social media without learning the basic social skills on which those same social media are modeled.

I think parents could do more to reverse this trend. Having dinner together with no gadgets around, or going out on a weekend (again, no gadgets) to do some real fishing or playing real sports (instead of doing it in the Wii) would go a long way.

But of course most people won’t do this because it’s easier to just let the kids do what they want…
By PlanningQueen on May 9, 2008 | Reply

I don’t have teenagers using these mediums of communication yet, so can’t actually speak from personal experience on this issue.

I do think though my role as a parent is to ensure moderation is attained. They can communicate via these methods, but need to practice face to face communication at home by eating together daily,community service and from me role modelling my communication skills.
By John Howell on May 10, 2008 | Reply

Parenting 2.0 ugh! Is there a manual I can read on the this? Thanks for a thought provoking post.
By TW on May 13, 2008 | Reply

I am writing a research paper on this topic and wanted to see what people were saying about it. I think you covered most of my concerns regarding the use of texting and IMing. My daughter thought she had been texting a boy for the past few months only to discover it was her best friend posing as the boy. It is a very complicated story, one you might see on Lifetime, that turned out bad for all involved.
If we can’t hear someone laugh or the tone of their voice how do we really know what they mean?
I agree there is are good uses for technology but our kids will need to have developed social skills in the end.
By Jessica on May 26, 2008 | Reply

Shana, I saw the title of this article and I have to be honest, it concerned me. Teens that I know definitely use more than their fair share of Facebook and cell phone texting, but in no case have I seen a lack of interpersonal or social skills. That’s what the teenage years are all about after all: How to I get that member of the opposite sex to notice me, what social group do I identify with, who am I? All of these questions are answered in part with intense social interaction. Social media and texted, that I have seen, are a means to an end rather than a substitute for that interpersonal relationship building.

That being said, I was so glad to see an article giving thought to the question and inspiring conversation (thus, we’re commenting so it must have worked!), instead of assumption and preconceived notion.

We need to give our kids, this next generation, credit for the amazing human beings that they are becoming. This generation is MORE socially conscious, politically aware, environmentally sensitive than their parents. They go about getting their information and socializing in a different way ~ but who wouldn’t when you grow up always knowing the Net?
By Katie on Aug 2, 2008 | Reply

as a teenager i disagree with what you are saying. sure some teens spend way to much time texting and talking on the internet- i am just as guilty as the next, but i also feel like its a good thing. i talk about a lot of serious issues with my friends via internet. yes, gossip flows more easily, but wouldnt you rather recieve the hurtful gossip in your room alone then in a crowded cafeteria? i would.

teenagers find a lot of information on the internet that they wouldnt ask their parents about anyways. no matter how important a topic is, there is always a bit of embarassment. sex, periods, crushes, and other topics are easier discussed online where one feels safe to share their feelings on certain topics.

for instance this blog. i feel comfortable sharing my thoughts and ideas with you all. plus, we learn to type fast. so when jobs with the skill arrise, we are able to suceed.