Is it possible to have Intimacy online?

Written on July 22, 2008 – 8:44 am | by Shana Albert |

Image by uayebt

Lately, I have been thinking a lot lately about Web 2.0, Social Networking & Romance. With the Next Generation of Web bringing all parts of the World together through Social Media got me wondering what this has done to Love & Intimacy.

Is it possible to have Intimacy online?

I spend most of my awake time online. My work depends on it. During my time online I have met some amazing people. I have built some really strong friendships with these people. I’ve started websites and enjoyed projects with them and adore these people as I would friends and colleagues that I had met in reality. But, friendship love and romantic love is very different from each other. Can Intimacy happen online?

Looking for the definition of Intimacy I came across these bullet points on What is intimacy in a relationship?…

"Intimacy with another person is the:

Unmasking of yourself in order to make yourself vulnerable in a trusting, loving, secure relationship.

Sense that you have a special, unique, and distinct bond joining you and another person.

Sense of closeness, proximity, and being “in tight.”

Sense of oneness, unity, and uniqueness.

Sense of being exposed, undefended, and fragile.

Sharing of tenderness, caring, and affection.

Sharing of secrets, hidden tales, and private thoughts.

Free will offering and receiving of each others’ generosity, giving and sharing.

Sense of being in a non-punitive, non-abusive and non-coercive environment.

Mutual respect, recognition, and approval of each other’s need to be a sexual being. In a marital relationship this shared sexuality ultimately results in loving sexual intercourse.*"

*Removing the last bullet point as I want to keep Intimacy and Sex separate. When I talk about intimacy it has nothing to do with sex.

With Dating Social Networks and Instant Messaging it is possible to meet people from all parts of the World. This opens up the door to romance and long distance relationships.

I remember when I was a teenager…. I had a boyfriend that lived a few hours away. We didn’t get to see each other nearly as much as we would like. And, since phone calls were long distance & very expensive we didn’t get to speak as often as we would have liked either. So, much of our conversation was done via snail mail. But, there was something bitter sweet about this absence as well. This absence of spontaneous conversation added to the excitement when we did actually get to see each other.

Now a days, conversation doesn’t have to be so limited as they did many years ago. Long distance relationships can thrive much easier than they could in the past. But, still the same question comes to my mind….. Is it possible to have intimacy online?

Well, in order for me to come to a conclusion lets go through each of the bullet points that the article from Coping.org provided above….

Unmasking of yourself in order to make yourself vulnerable in a trusting, loving, secure relationship.
Yes, we can do that. But, it would also take the other person involved to do the same thing for it to work.
Sense that you have a special, unique, and distinct bond joining you and another person.
Sure. You can do that online.
Sense of closeness, proximity, and being “in tight.”
Sense of closeness…. yes. Proximity…. no. Hmmmmm.
Sense of oneness, unity, and uniqueness.
Yes, I believe you can.
Sense of being exposed, undefended, and fragile.
Yes!! So, totally yes.
Sharing of tenderness, caring, and affection.
Well, I suppose. But, I’m also reminded that these three wonderful things (tenderness, caring, and affection) will come virtually….. without touch. Can a relationship build without touch??
Sharing of secrets, hidden tales, and private thoughts.
Uh, yeah! As a matter of fact, this is a lot of what this type of relationship will do.
Free will offering and receiving of each others’ generosity, giving and sharing.
Yes, but again limited. After all, the relationship is long distance…. and virtual.
Sense of being in a non-punitive, non-abusive and non-coercive environment.
Sure, but I also think that safety and the sense of safety is given easily because of the factor they are so far away from each other and shielded behind the computer screen.
Mutual respect, recognition, and approval of each other’s need to be a sexual being. In a marital relationship this shared sexuality ultimately results in loving sexual intercourse.
Again, I’m going to keep this part of the discussion out as I want to keep sex & intimacy separate from each other. I’m talking strictly about intimacy here.

So, I feel for the most part that intimacy can be done through an online relationship, but at a limited level. Let me explain…

Sense of - Many of the bullet points about intimacy above started with "sense of". Meaning that I would get the sense of closeness, sense of oneness, sense of tenderness, etc… To get a sense of something you would need to get to know this person. They would need to earn your trust and you theirs. You need trust to earn this sense… the sense of closeness, oneness, tenderness, etc… But, without actually meeting this person face-to-face would you actually ever achieve this feeling wholeheartedly? Or would you get to that "wholehearted" point after you actually met that person?
Body language - When you are communicating with a significant other face-to-face there is a lot of body language going on. You are beginning to learn about each other through this body language and expression. This is totally absent from an online relationship.
Touch - I feel touch is a form of intimacy. For me…. an important part of intimacy. Without touch I feel intimacy would be very limited. It doesn’t mean that I don’t think an online relationship couldn’t work, bur for me it could only go so far.

Another thing that has been on my mind about intimacy and online relationships is the fact that there is that space in between the couple…. Internet Space. What does this space mean?…

No bad days. If you are having a bad day and are in a rotten mood you can stay offline. Your significant other won’t see you this way.
No need to stutter over a difficult or uncomfortable question. If you are asked something that causes you shift or become uncomfortable you can sit back and think about the best way to answer the questions. Or, don’t answer at all….. come up with an excuse and log offline quickly.
No friends or family interfering. Your online relationship seems wonderful and super easy when you can have a relationship without the added interference, huh?

And, these are just my first immediate thoughts on this. There are tons of others that come to mind, but I’m sure you get the idea. This "internet space" causes your virtual significant other to see you always in a good light…. no bad days. This is not reality.

What do some of my Plurking friends think?

So, can there be intimacy in an online relationship?

Yes, but I believe it can work up to a point. I think in order for the relationship to grow anywhere you have to spend some "reality time" with each other to see if the relationship will work.

Look, I’m not saying that Internet Love is impossible. I love Web 2.0 and the fact that Social Media brings so much of us together…. the chance of us falling in love is endless. All I’m saying is that I think that in order to take your internet romance to the next level is to bring Reality into your beautiful Web 2.0 love life at some point.

Share and Enjoy:

11 Responses to “Is it possible to have Intimacy online?”
By Gab Goldenberg on Jul 22, 2008 | Reply

Sphunn!
By GemStar38 on Jul 22, 2008 | Reply

I think this is a really interesting post, I was actually going to write something on this topic but with a slightly different spin.
By Web Success Diva on Jul 22, 2008 | Reply

Great, thoughtful post!

Maria Reyes-McDavis
Marketing Masters Guide

Great haircut by the way!
By homaid on Jul 22, 2008 | Reply

I know a girl back in collage, and it’s was only friendship, now we are in different countries and i started to recommunicate with her, I find myself very attracted to her and welling to Share secrets, hidden tales, and private thoughts with her.
I am going back soon and I’m very excited to meet her and to see where it is going on to, wish me luck
By Melissa on Jul 22, 2008 | Reply

I just recently found your blog and I have to say that I’m loving it. This topic is particularly relevant to the relationship that I’m in now.

I agree with you that intimacy online is possible but only to certain degree. I met my current boyfriend online (in a yahoo chat room of all places) and we began talking. Sure we shared secrets, allowed ourselves to open up to each other and become vulnerable, but that wasn’t enough to sustain a “relationship.” I honestly believe that without the net, I would never have met this person that lives only 1 block away from me! The net is a gateway to intimacy. It gets the ball rolling and can lead to great romances. So to answer your question… YES I do believe that it is possible to have intimacy online. Sustaining any kind of meaningful “intimate relationship” requires one to step “afk”… but that’s a completely different blog post.
By Kim Krause Berg on Jul 22, 2008 | Reply

The answer is “yes”. And the online breakup can be just as horrific and painful as if it happened off line.
By sparkbliss on Jul 22, 2008 | Reply

Intimacy comes from trust and familiarity. Familiarity comes from being introduced romantically through shared friends. There is a niche site that focuses upon enabling meaningful companionship vis a vis your trusted circle of friends…it is called sparkbliss[dot]com.
By Doug Heil on Jul 26, 2008 | Reply

Oh gosh yes; Shana? Who is this Shana I just fell in love with?
By Ryan Kazinec on Aug 6, 2008 | Reply

Shana,
I don’t get to do too much reading outside of research for my website but I must say this was a truly enjoyable read. I am what you would call an online dating veteran; I’ve had ups, downs, and everything in between. I’ll have to agree that intimacy is possible to an extent but for me the web created a false sense of trust in people and way to temporarily forget my own insecurities. It is undoubtedly a lot easier to lie to someone in email, IM, or on the phone than it is to lie to a person’s face.
Maybe it was bad luck, ignorance, or karma following me around but I got burned time and time again with online relationships. I had begun waiving my white flag to surrender (or maybe run away from) to women all together when I met my wife of over three years on AOL. To sum things up, intimacy is very possible online but until you get past the charades of depersonalization (the ability to avoid answering questions, avoid uncomfortable situations, and facing your insecurities.) that comes with dating online and actually meet face to face so you can look each other in the eyes and truly get to know one another the intimacy will be limited. Just my two cents on the matter; thanks for the great write up.
By Mike Wilton on Aug 8, 2008 | Reply

I really liked this post. I remember when you were asking around on Plurk about it, and was curious as to what the post was going to be about.

You mentioned touch and body language as an important part of intimacy, but I almost think that all of the senses play a part in intimacy and that online interaction completely removes these aspects of intimacy from the equation. Seeing one’s reactions to your words, hearing the tone in their voice when they speak to you, their scent, and depending how intimate their taste and touch.

Speaking from experience I can say that one of the hardest things about online intimacy is that at times it can seem so much more surreal than anything you can experience in real life. You can control the environment and have time to respond to a person in just the right way. You have a better chance to think about your answer or what you want to say. It can often paint a picture that is so perfect that the real life experience can never live up to it.